A good part of my life has been spent studying the nature of support and cultivating various support systems for myself and others. Support systems like personal care practices such as yoga, meditation, exercise and diet, therapy, healing and coaching.
There is another kind of very important support that I’m passionate about these days that I want to share my insights about with you. It is the support that comes from nourishing relationships. This is important because without nourishing relationships we humans do not get the support that we need.
What creates nourishing relationships is the “how” we are in them.
The relationship with oneself and the ones we have with others are “two sides of the same coin” and are crucial ingredients in creating health and wellbeing. Of course we are always in “relationship”. That is the nature of our existence.
But the “How” is the key in determining whether we are nurtured by our relationships or not. And, the “how” is an inside job. It depends on us being able to share ourselves fully and be open to others sharing themselves fully.
For me love is the bottom line of life! Yet so many of us suffer from not having enough love in our lives, both coming from within and coming from others. I have known this suffering in my life, a lot.
I’ve thought much about what allows love to grow, studied it and experimented with it. One thing that I know for sure is that what grows love is human support and deep connection.
Human acts of kindness, openness, care and respect create an atmosphere of support. This might be self evident to you in theory, but my looking around has shown me that most of us don’t really know how to give each other this.
Since I am all about growing love in the world, it is these aspects of human connection that I seek to support with my work.
Lack of support results in loneliness.
Loneliness is usually associated with not having any one to be with or talk to enough to meet one’s social needs for simply being with another human. That is one kind of loneliness.
There is another kind of loneliness that many of us, especially as we age suffer from. It is the loneliness that results from the lack of the “substance” of connection – substance of connection with oneself and others.
This is the loneliness that happens when we yearn to connect deeply with ourselves, and others, but just don’t feel it, even though we are trying.
This is the loneliness that happens when we reach out to connect with the warm and tender emotional embrace of another human heart but just can’t touch it.
This is the loneliness that pierces the heart when our longing to be known, accepted, and loved by another, and to know another deeply with love and respect for who they are, remains unrequited even when standing face-to-face, or heart to heart.
This is the kind of loneliness that comes when we can’t bridge the gap between our spiritual love and our personal love.
Loneliness from the lack of “substance of connection” is a painful place. I know many other people who feel its bite besides me. I also know that it doesn’t need to be this way.
I’ve been lonely in this way for many years. Although I am not now, I know it well.
Why was I suffering from lack of “substance of connection” and lack of a genuine felt sense of love? I experienced myself to be a deeply caring and open person with a rich inner life and much to offer. I had thought extensively and studied about relationship and love. That was my passion. So how was it possible that I was suffering in this way?
It’s actually pretty simple. I did not know “how” to really “talk” with others, especially when I was in challenging situations, like when I got triggered or the other person got triggered, or when I was faced with a disagreement about something really important to me. The kind of stuff that occurs in the trenches of everyday life – I just didn’t really know how to navigate through this stuff and come out the other side with more genuine connection, love and understanding both to myself and to another.
I was not able to really “be with” and “talk with” the people in my life in a way that left me feeling the roots of connection deeply embedded in my being.
I was lonely, even within the milieu of my many friendships, my loving family and my romantic partners. Despite a lifetime of focused development that I had done with myself I did not know how to talk with people in a way that was deeply fulfilling. It might have looked like I did, but not really.
For those who know me, this might be hard to believe. I am a very sophisticated person with social skills and a well developed capacity to relate. Or so it seemed.
There is a big difference though between having social skills, being able to “process issues” or talk “about” stuff, and really opening oneself up to another such that you receive the gifts of connection at a deep level.
I wasn’t able to open myself to receivng the gifts of connection when I would talk with othersand that is why I was lonely and not feeling enough love in my life.
Most of us don’t know how to talk with each other! Even those of us who are educated, intelligent, and caring people and think that we are good communicators! We just don’t know how to have the kinds of conversations that engender genuine support and open hearted connection! Especially when the going gets rough.
Just look around and notice how many of us complain about one another and our relationships. This is a simple indication of our lack of genuine support and openness for one another.
The “way we” converse with each other is a big part of what creates the nourishment of connection. How “present” we are, how transparent we are, how well we can share what’s going on inside of us and how well we can receive others are some of the “ways” that create this “substance of connection”, bring us closer and offer the nourishment of genuine love.
After many years of work, and success, in transforming my ability to relate with people so that I could feel the kind of transparent depth of connection that quenched my loneliness, I am moved to support others to find their way towards having more genuine support and love through learning how to create this “substance of connection”.
That is why I am putting myself out with my work. I want to support others to be able to receive this gift of the “substance of connection”.
So what changed things for me? Getting the support I needed to change things from the inside and learn how to do things differently so that I could empower myself to create the kind of “substance of connection” that I needed.
The two major ingredients for me in “not knowing how to talk with others” were not knowing how to speak with transparent honesty and authenticity and not knowing how to listen openly for understanding. This is what kept me from knowing and touching others in deeply personal and vulnerable ways even in intimate relationships!
I know this sounds simplistic. I can even imagine that you are thinking come on. We all know how to speak and listen. That is the issue right there, because speaking and hearing are taken for granted, we don’t take the time to consider the complexities of these forms of expression and cultivate how best to use them.
Well, I ‘ve been doing much considering and I want to share with you the results of my long inquiry and powerful discoveries.
Speaking with openness, honesty of self- connection, and clarity of articulation allow another to understand us more deeply and supports depth of connection.
Listening with an open mind and heart, with an ear to understanding, allows us to receive the uniqueness and vulnerability of others. This supports depth of connection.
When I was younger I thought that all I needed for good relationships were three things – chemistry, to be a good person with a willingness to be open and, another person of the same ilk. (Aren’t hormones wonderful!)
Later on I thought that all I needed to feel connection was willingness to keep looking at “my issues”, heal, and grow. (Self examination is great too!)
By the time I got to my fifties and was repeating the same patterns over and over again just with more awareness, I new that I needed something different to take me to the place that I longed for in my heart but was only touching occasionally – consistent deep and meaningful connection that touched my core, moved my heart open, and transformed me. (Was I asking for too much? Smile)
At one time I did think I was asking for too much but not anymore because I now know how to create the kind of conversations that nourish me.
So, how did I learn how to create this? The number one thing that helped me and brought together all that I had learned before was learning Compassionate Interpersonal Communication Skills. Yep, it was actually that simple.
Learning these skills brought me to this place of being able to be open and vulnerable with myself, and others and allow myself to reach out through the abyss and make powerfully loving and supportive connections, easily and consistently, in all kinds of situations.
Twenty years ago I did not know what communication skills were. I did not really want to know either because I had this idea that I was already developed enough and a good communicator. I did not know what I did not know. Most of us don’t.
In all honesty though, I got tongue tied easily, avoided conflict by being nice, withheld what I thought might hurt others, got upset and triggered easily, did not ask for what I wanted without emotional charge, did not really know how to own when I contributed to someone else’s suffering. Regular stuff like that. I was suffering and did not know that life could be different. Well it is now.
My life has transformed. Now, having learned communication skills and up leveling my capacities I can easily say what is really going on, speak articulately in the face of delicate issues, face conflict with a loving heart, or at least get back to a loving heart if conflict erupts contentiously, have emotional equanimity, ask for what I want, respond forthrightly when others ask me for things. I am relaxed and know that I can connect with people however I want to because I am actually in charge of my interpersonal skills!
Now you might be thinking “I already do all of that!” Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones that has good interpersonal communication genes! That somehow by the grace of God, just knows how to connect and communicate in a way that brings you love, connection, and understanding. “Good on ya” I say!
There are so many of us who don’t have those genes though! if that’s you or you know someone who doesn’t have those genes, listen! I am spreading the word that there is a way to cultivate them and have the kind of connections that are nourishing to the depths of your being.
What I know is that life does not have to be filled with the kind of suffering that comes from not knowing how to talk with and connect with others in ways that support real love and substance of sharing.
It is never too late to be more deeply connected to oneself and to others in a way that grows more love inside of us and between us. I know this. Even if you have spent a lifetime of repeating the same frustrating interpersonal patterns it can actually be easy and straightforward to change.
If you’ve gotten this far in your reading, you probably resonate with what I have shared and perhaps might want to know more.
Did you know that you can book at complementary starter session with me to help you on the path towards having more love in your life and deeply supportive connections?
Fill in the box in the upper rigth corner of this page! I look forward to hearing from you!
p.s. I’ve slogged through a lot to get to this point and have developed a lot of understanding and insight into how to make it easy, so that you don’t have go through the muck of figuring it out for yourself like I did. I would love to share what I have discovered with you!