A great question was brought up in the Compassionate Communication class recently and that was “…it’s all great to be practicing these skills in a class in which we are all on the same page and it is safe, where there is no heated conflict, but how do I use these skills with my partner with whom I have long ongoing issues?”
This is such a great question and one that we all face when learning new communication skills. In the beginning of learning new communication skills there are times when we feel awkward, and wonder, “Am I ever going to be any good at this?”, or “Is this really going to work for me?”.
Have you ever thought this yourself? I certainly have, and, in those times I needed reassurance to keep going in the face of doubts about my own abilities to integrate my learning or my doubts about “it” working. I needed reassurance from someone who had been there and could speak from the perspective of being on the other side of the learning curve to support me to keep going.
There were many years when I did not get that and gave up many times. It cost me a lot of years of struggle, stopping and starting again and again, dealing with disappointment and often, hopelessness that things would not change, that I would not change, that “this” would just not work for me.
I don’t want you to got through the struggle that I did, when I didn’t have any one saying to me “it’s all right, you’ll get there”. That is what is moving me to say it now to you, as one who has the perspective of being on the other side of the hump of the early learning curve. You will get there. I did. Just keep going with your learning.
Awkwardness and discouragement are a normal part of any learning curve. We can’t avoid those challenges. We can however, keep going even in the face of those voices of doubt that come up in reaction.
How? You might have your own ways of keeping going int the face of the beginners insecurity. ifyou do Great! If not, here are two things that you can do to keep going. One is to step back and widen your perspective by remembering that you are learning, and it’s a natural part of learning to go through awkwardness and insecurity. Take a deep breathe and appreciate yourself for taking the risk to experiment with new learning, for risking your “cool” in the service of expanding.
The other thing that you can do is to connect with the part of you that feels doubt and make friends with it, so that you are not at war with in yourself. When you make friends with the doubt you will find that underneath it is your desire. Desire is a strong motivator. When you connect with your desire, you will find the motivation to keep going.
Of course, when you are learning how to communicate with more compassion, there will be many times when you do the same old thing that exacerbates your issues. Now, though, you have a reference point for the possibility of being more effective even if you aren’t able to right away. The simple act of remembering that you are in a learning process is the beginning of building awareness in the service of positive change, because you are giving yourself space to be learning.
There is something else you can do at this and any stage in your process when you are flustered and can’t get a handle on what to do or say, and, that is, to keep your heart and mind on your “North Star”
What is your North Star? I use the word North Star to mean the ultimate direction for your most expanded and loving development. How you really want things to be. By keeping your heart/mind set on your North Star you can more easily course correct when you have gone off. You will veer. That is a guarantee. The point is how do you bring yourself back on course.
The North Star of Compassionate Communication is Compassion and Loving Kindness. So in relation to Compassionate Communication your personal North Star will have to do with how you want to manifest compassion and loving kindness in your life and relationships.
Keep your heart and mind on the “North Star” of your highest and most enlightened vision for how you want to bring compassionate loving kindness into your life and your relationships and ask yourself “how can I be in this moment with this person in a way that is walking the talk of what I want for myself and this relationship? What can I be doing right now in the present moment of this conversation to act in alignment with my North Star.
This is especially great when you are in the beginning stages of learning. It’s also great when you find yourself getting reactive and fixed in a position, standing toe to toe with another person seeing them as your enemy in that moment. Simply step away from your position and remember what your North Star is. Use your North Star as your guide and you will find a way to be in the situation that is in alignment with the bigger picture of your intentions.
Knowing just what to say is great. That is what I call the “nuts and bolts” of communicating. Knowing the Anatomy of a conversation. When to speak up, what to say, when to listen, how to listen….all that kind of stuff. But without the interior alignment to your bigger intentions of how you want to express your compassionate loving kindness, whatever you say will not come from your heart and will not reach the other person’s heart either.
So, if you are in the heat of an emotional reaction and you can’t find the words to convey what you feel or think, stop and take a moment to connect with your “North Star”. It will help you to be more connected with what you want for the relationship and yourself, and whatever comes from that place of being more vulnerably self connected will support you to speak or act from your authentic heart.
You still might not have the most articulate words, but you will have the connection and what ever you do or say will have the energy of your North Star in it. That is the bottom line.