I ‘d like to share a perspective on how to begin the process of getting in touch with what really matters for each of us on the inside so that we can have more perspective and freedom of choice in our lives.
Why is this important? Because we often times have little or no control over our life circumstances, but in thinking that we do, we spend a lot of energy trying to figure out how to change things on the outside so that we will feel better, only to get stuck in a hamster wheel of frustration and suffering over and over again.
It is only when we can change our inner perspective that we can actually make the changes to the outside circumstances of our lives that have lasting value for ourselves. When we get in touch with what really matters to us, our perspective shifts and we open to new creative possibilities and solutions that are in alignment with our values.
In my life I have often found that when I start to feel the feelings that tell me that I am unhappy with what is going on, I think that the circumstances are the cause of how I am feeling. These circumstances
might be the “trigger” or stimulation for certain feelings but they are not the cause. The feelings are an indication that what really matters to me is not being attended to in the circumstance. If I think that the outside circumstances are the cause of how I am feeling I will get stuck in an endless cycle of trying to change the outside so that I feel better on the inside. This does not mean that we must just grin and bear every uncomfortable or gruesome circumstance. What I am saying is that the first step towards knowing how to change the outside is to get in touch with what is going on deeply inside of us. It is through doing this that we find out what really matters to us so we can know how and what to
change on the outside.
Another important benefit of this kind of self connection is that it creates a more spacious perspective from which we can encounter what life presents and gives us more freedom of choice in how we might respond to what is going on in the outside world.
When I get stuck in my fixation on the circumstances as the cause for my discomfort, I find myself in stress, overwhelm, and suffering, scurrying around trying to change other people, things and situations, because I am thinking that I am the victim of my circumstance. Do you find yourself in this cycle? Why there is such suffering and overwhelm is because we are not in control of other people and the flow of life in the world at large. We can only be in charge of ourselves.
This is an “inside out” perspective. That means instead of trying to change the biggest possible circumstance in the hopes that it will change the way we feel, we look within at the foundations of what our deeper values are in relation to our circumstances. This “bottom up perspective” on change
creates:
Connection
Empathy
Clarity of Values
Meaning
Trust
Opening to new possibilities
Courage and Willingness
Creativity and a sense of Personal Resourcefulness and Power
Confidence, Relaxation, Vitality, Ease
Spaciousness and calming of the emotional body, nervous system
The ability to think things through with clarity of purpose.
Using the following simple statements is a way in to get in touch with NEEDS, the foundational elements of what underline behavior and life choices and actually brings you closer to fulfillment. These processes build the muscles of consciousness and awareness that will help you to make
the big and small beneficial changes that you want. If you start small and use these inquiries in situations where there is less of a charge you will be able to have small successes in shifting your ability to be in touch with yourself and creating a path to face larger more charged circumstances.
These are simple sentences that will help you to get in touch with the underlying needs that are connected to what matters to you.
When I do _______________, I feel _________________because my need for ________________is (or is not being met).
When I see you do ____ __________, I feel _______________ because my need for _________________is (or is not being met)
When my need for ________________is (or is not met), I feel _______________.
Hmm, I am feeling __________________. I wonder what need of mine is (or isn’t) being met now?
By tuning into ourselves in this way we are stepping back from our over focus on the outside circumstance. We create a simple inquiry that reconnects us with the source of our fulfillment, OURSELVES!